The moon does not fight. It attacks no one. It does not worry. It does not try to crush others. It keeps to its course, but by its very nature, it gently influences. What other body could pull an entire ocean from shore to shore? The moon is faithful to its nature and its power is never diminished.Deng Ming-Dao
{ Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony }
I think one of our biggest challenges in day-to-day life can be communicating with people whose perspectives are very different from our own. It's natural for feelings of agitation and even hurt feelings to arise when our wants/needs aren't met in the space of an interaction, or when we get an unexpected response that doesn't match our view of a situation.
Some examples of this might include:
- Your words/gestures being dismissed or misunderstood
- Your work/actions being unexpectedly criticized
- Feeling unsupported, especially regarding something that's important to you
- Dealing with someone whose expectations of you are unreasonable
- Dealing with someone whose actions or response to a situation seems absurd
And it's our tendency to blame this disconnect on the other person, isn't it? If they would just be more reasonable, or listen more closely, or just be supportive for once, everything would be fine! Sound familiar?
But here's the truth:
Everyone is doing what makes the most sense to them. Even if it seems completely nonsensical to us, the other person's actions make perfect sense to them — they are just operating with a different synergy of perception, past experience and communication tools.
That person speaking to you in an obnoxious way? Their own needs — however different from yours — aren't being met. This may or may not have anything to do with you, personally. Sometimes folks project their own drama onto others. Sometimes they just need to know they are being acknowledged.
That person being overly critical of you? They themselves have been harshly criticized throughout their lifetime, and they are probably harder on themselves than they are on you.
That loved one who is being unsupportive? Perhaps they have conflicting feelings about the situation, or maybe they just don't know the feeling of being nurtured with support from others.
So... how do we deal with this?
We can navigate all of these situations by releasing our need to be "right" — by letting the experience of others be their experience, and realizing there is no need to "correct" them for it. There is no need to superimpose our perception onto someone else's — just as we come to every situation with our own lifetime of experience, so does everyone else.You don't have to involve yourself in a battle of perspectives. Just do your best, and let the rest flow past you. Don't take on anything that isn't yours. Let your patience and loving-kindness be an example.
This is operating from a place of personal power, rather than giving your power away to others. By exercising grace and understanding in our communication with others, we don't get pulled into unnecessary drama. We begin to create a habit of flowing more easily. We develop a greater sense of empathy.
A good way to quickly find that space of power and kindness in the midst of a challenging interaction, is to say to yourself:
We can agree.
Think these simple words in your mind the very moment you feel that tension pulling at your emotions. This will put you in "us" space rather than "I" space, and will serve as a reminder that grace and understanding are in order — that it's OK to let someone else's perception be their own. It's OK to let go.
We can agree doesn't mean you agree with what they are saying or doing. It simply means you agree to release the need to win, to correct, to control, to dominate. You agree to let their stuff be their stuff, and let your stuff be your stuff.
And when We can agree reaches you on deeper and deeper levels, you will begin to notice an evolving sense of loving-kindness towards others, where you only felt frustration before.
It is a worthwhile journey that you can begin today.