To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover
the prisoner was you.Author Unknown
This past week, with the 10th anniversary of 9/11, forgiveness has been an issue on many of our minds.
Forgiveness is something we all struggle with in this life. Some have experienced trauma so devastating, forgiveness seems impossible. Some are willing to forgive, but simply don’t know how – the wounds are too deep, the events too unforgettable.
The purpose of this article is not to convince anyone that you must forgive in order to move on with your life. That is not for me to say. I would simply like to share an insight on forgiveness, one that has given me a new outlook in my own walk.
I will also share my own deeply personal story of forgiveness with you.
The Analogy of the Tree
I love trees, for many reasons. One reason is the incredibly profound mirror they offer us into the nature of who we are, as individuals and as a collective. I meditate on trees often.
Consider how, from the trunk of a tree, many branches grow. And from each branch grows many leaves. As the wind blows, the leaves and branches move, each in their own way, resulting in a symphony of movement.
Sometimes, the wind only moves through one area of the tree, causing the leaves in that area to rustle considerably while the leaves in other parts of the tree remain still.
Despite this variance in experience, the function of every single leaf is to absorb sunlight for the benefit of the whole tree. Not one leaf uses the sunlight solely for its own survival – this would ultimately kill the tree, and the leaves would die in the process. The collective energy of the tree, gathered in part from all the leaves, feeds each individual leaf.
Sometimes, a branch or cluster of leaves may become diseased, which is evident when you see an area of brown or yellow in an otherwise healthy-looking tree. Despite offering little or no sustenance to the tree, the tree still spends a portion of its collective energy feeding the diseased parts.
Now, you already know this:
We Are the Tree.
As individuals, we can be compared to the leaves. Our families, friends and communities are the leaves closest to us, on the same branch. The branches are the framework upon which our societies/cultures exist. The trunk of the tree represents our collective consciousness. The roots of the tree can be seen as our common connection to the earth, our source of life.
Now, as the winds of circumstance and experience move throughout our collective tree, we are each moved in different ways – whether that wind blows within our immediate vicinity, across a larger span of our collective experience or even just individually.
Sometimes, we become “sick”, taking more from the collective energy than we are able to give back. Sometimes we hurt, steal and sometimes we kill.
The point here is this: Throughout our lifetime, the winds of experience cultivate the beliefs, attitudes and actions we play out and mold us into who we are. For better or for worse, we all act in ways that make sense to us at the time. And yet we are still intimately connected with one another, regardless of how we treat eachother. There is no single leaf whose actions do not affect the whole tree.
We Forgive, Because...
It doesn't make sense to think of any part of the tree harboring unforgiveness towards other parts of the tree, or even the tree itself as a whole. The tree is one. The microcosms of experience are many, but the tree is one.
And so it is with us. Unforgiveness darkens us to our true connection with our collective being – our oneness. At its worst, it is a terrible burden, keeping us chained to the very trauma we wish to heal from.
The Walk of Forgiveness
I understand that the tree analogy gives only a general, simplified view of forgiveness, though I believe it offers a great deal of understanding. The truth is, forgiveness isn’t always one single action. Sometimes, forgiveness is a journey of many steps. The walk of forgiveness is more important than arriving at the destination.
I think it's also important to remember this:
Forgiveness Isn’t a Feeling.
This is important, because we put a lot of stock into feelings. But forgiveness, ultimately, is an action (or course of actions). I don’t believe it is necessary to have the feelings we normally associate with forgiveness, although those feelings can certainly be a part of the process. What matters is that we stay on the path. Feelings can change in time, but our actions – the positive, productive steps we take — are what pave the way.
My Forgiveness Story
In 1997, my sister Ana committed suicide. She was 16 years old. I was 19 at the time.
For so many years afterwards, I blamed my parents. I had my reasons for this.
And for years, my resentment smoldered inside of me. Even though I was able to continue a loving (yet tense) relationship with them, I just couldn't forgive them for my sister's death.
I spent many lonely, drunken nights sobbing and howling at the moon, tormenting myself with questions that had no answers. I replayed terrible memories over and over again in my mind. Desperately wishing I could change what was already done.
And in all my years of unforgiveness, what did I gain? Nothing at all. My unforgiveness was a painful thorn in my mind and in my heart, adding to the heartache I was already experiencing. On top of that, it brought even more friction into an already rocky relationship with my parents.
But when I chose to forgive them, an enormous burden was lifted from me. I no longer had to spend time and energy in dark places. Even though I didn’t “feel it” at first, my decision to forgive has brought me to a place of compassion where I’ve been able to begin renewing my heart towards them.
It's here I’ve realized that the very same actions I blamed my parents for are undoubtedly a source of great regret and heartache for them. The devastation Ana left behind affected us all.
I now hold space for them very tenderly in my heart. Their burden is great.
And the decision Ana made to end her life? That was hers, and hers alone.
In my journey of forgiveness, I've found reconnection. In reality, I was never not connected. I only opened my eyes, seeing the connection more clearly. And you know what? I’ve forgiven myself as well. And I hope that my parents are discovering that same forgiveness. It is a journey.
Perhaps your journey of forgiveness can begin in this way. In remembering that we are the tree – we are one. Forgiveness is really about freedom then, isn't it? The freedom to love and trust again, to remember unbound joy. The freedom to open up. To really open up, and let the light come in.
Walk in joy and peace today.