The major block to compassion is the judgment in our minds. Judgment is the mind's primary tool of separation.Diane Berke
Compassion is simply the loving awareness that all sentient beings are intimately connected to you. It isn't motivated by circumstance, but by the realization that we are all interdependent upon each other.
One of the problems we run into here is that we often don't feel this interdependence in a tangible way. This leads to an unconscious approach to compassion. Being moved by another's suffering without understanding why or how it is specifically relevant to you is a breeding ground for pity and disconnection.
In this article, I will explore some of the fundamental elements of compassion and share ways of bringing it into your everyday life.
Compassion vs. Pity
There is a tendency to confuse compassion with pity, although the two are mutually exclusive of eachother. Pity is a visceral reaction that is generally rooted in fear – "What a horrible situation to be in. Wouldn't it be awful if I were in that person's shoes? There's little I can do to help, so I'll just feel sorry for them."
You can see here how unempowering pity is. It looks down upon another; it finds discrepancy. It contains a degree of hopelessness – even if it results in an attempt to ease someone's suffering, that attempt still comes from a space of unawareness. When you examine feelings of pity, take note of all the "me/them" ideas you find yourself generating... this is an easy way of identifying it for what it is.
Compassion, on the other hand, is rooted in love. It comes from a sense of "one-ness" with others, which gives rise to an intimate concern for their well-being. Compassion allows you to confront someone's suffering without:
- Casting them as a victim or an opponent (outside looking in)
- Creating a superiority/inferiority dynamic
- Fearing the possibility that their suffering could become yours
So, how do we create and nurture this sense of connection with others?
The Process of Compassion
It is important to realize that compassion is a process that continually builds upon itself. The core of compassion – its all-important foundation – is the following statement:
I love myself.
Until this statement is true, compassion is meaningless. Our capacity to love others is built upon our capacity to love ourselves, and there's just no way around that. Lack of self-love creates a vacuum within a person, which they will inevitably try to resolve by looking for love from others. Yet, love from others in this case only triggers feelings of unworthiness and craving, which spirals into a vicious cycle of searching and self-loathing.
Self-love is the basis of compassion. From here, we can make another statement:
I am worthy of love and compassion.
When we find truth in this statement, our world expands exponentially. Where we once perceived only vast stretches of loneliness, we now awaken to countless channels in which love and compassion can flow freely in and out. This worthiness is not achieved – it is simply realized. It is a decision, like any other. Once it gets past your mental barrier, it can begin to propagate throughout your emotions and eventually your entire sense of self, if you let it.
With the foundation of self-love, it is possible to make the conscious (albeit sometimes difficult) decision to see yourself in others, and to respond with kindness and love. Something really interesting happens when you start doing this consciously: you begin to see that bad attitudes, rudeness, negativity, etc. are nothing more than defensive games being played by people who are, on some level, hurting. This realization might help you to not get caught up in their drama. Instead, maybe you will create a space for compassion and grace, and choose to interact with them from this space. This is one way of developing a habit of compassion.
I find that sometimes compassion comes easily, and sometimes it doesn't. Don't judge yourself on whether or not you're experiencing it absolutely from one situation to the next; just remember that it is a process, and align yourself with that process. It will develop naturally in this way.
A Beautiful Cycle
As we become more and more deeply aware of our profound connection to others, compassion arises naturally and with progressively greater clarity and depth. This in turn inspires deeper awareness of our interconnectedness, and the cycle continues.
A genuine loving-kindness is felt towards another when you realize that this person experiences the same feelings and struggles that you do. This person has felt deep love and affection; they have worries and fears. They have plans and dreams. They are susceptible to pain, joy, and insight. We all have armors that we've built up throughout the course of our lives to protect what is fragile and tender within us. To see beyond the armor and circumstances of another and connect with the beautiful, magnificent soul inside, looking for love and happiness – that is compassion.
A technique that I have found useful, is to pause mentally whenever I become aware of myself judging someone. In the space of this pause, I remind myself of how precious this person truly is. I see them as a brother or a sister... a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather... This serves to bring awareness to this person's intrinsic worth, the connection between us, and their need for love that is very much like my own. It helps me to see through defensive personality traits and into a beautiful, searching heart. Doing this, I have felt genuine love for strangers who, just moments before, I was perceiving as unpleasant. This is my journey of compassion.
Another helpful way of understanding compassion comes from a book I am currently reading, written by Buddhist nun Thubten Chodron:
Imagine training your mind so that when you look at every single living being, you think, "My enlightenment depends on that being. The drunk who just got on the bus – my enlightenment depends on him. The soldier in Iraq – my enlightenment depends on him. My brothers and sisters, the teller at the bank, the janitor at my workplace, the president of the United States, the suicide bombers in the Middle East, the slug in my garden, my eighth-grade boyfriend, the babysitter when I was a kid – my enlightenment depends on each of them." All sentient beings are actually that precious to us.
Thubten Chodron from "Cultivating a Compassionate Heart: The Yoga Method of Chenrezig"
We're in this together.